LOL
I don't want to eat today
Hide it behind a laugh
From all your friends that you outweigh
Well you can do the math
Try to stop
Don't you dare swallow
No teardrops
You're fasting tomorrow

Soon....

Lost a few.  Only 5 more to get to 99.  You can do the math.

Brownie
Fat
Creamy
Flat
Ugly
Flab
Fleashy
Bad
Gross
Gross
GROSS
But don't you see my comrade,
More Pain
Less
Gain
Although, Is it worth the trouble?



maybe...

I'm just not good at losing weight

Face it.  If you disagree your argument is invalid because ever since I've started this blog I've gained weight.  No- ever since I was born I've gained weight.  I should realize that this little plan of mine is destined to fail.  It goes against my nature to gain GAIN GAIN.  My goal is less than 10 pounds away and all I can mange to do is distance myself from it.  Well I guess it could be three pounds away... But guess what?  I can't even get an accurate scale!! Do you know how many eyebrows that would raise in my house hold?  I want one of those old ones- without batteries that you just step on and the wheel spins to your weight.  It seems more dependable for some reason... No tricky electronics trying to screw with you- just good old fashioned stuff.

Sorry about the rambling, I couldn't help it. Stay strong and I love you all and thank you for your lovely comments.  I look forward to them and smile like a goof when I get some. :)

"Gain"
Take a deep breath
Step on the scale
Don't fear your death
Just continue the tale
The numbers went up
You start to go pale
And dread the gossip
Since you feel like a whale

XOXOXOXOXO
-featherlight

uggghhhhhh

I want to be double digits.  So bad. I want to be "under a hundred pounds".  I am 106 right now, that's great since I was 109 on Wednesday... I think- or Tuesday.  Anyway I could be 102 since my scale is really messed up... We moved it from one room to another and everybody automatically gained 4 pounds.  Don't worry, I know for a fact I'm not 110, hopefully that will make for a pleasant surprise when I step on an accurate scale :)
            I think my forte' on blogger is poetry.  I don't see much of that so expect to see more in the future.  I think it is more enjoyable to readers than to listen to me ramble- not that I don't enjoy other blogs, it's just I'm not too great at writing about my life like they are.  So that's about it.  Oh, also if you would like some nice music "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple is a good pick.  Give it a listen, I think that if you're reading this you'll like it,  Stay strong everyone. <3 XOXOXOXO 


"Mirror"
Tiny crack
Avert your eyes
Find out ways to shrink your thighs
Pitch the fries
Get payback
Try not to have a panic attack

-featherlight

In Honor of Nothing to Say... More Poetry

-(insert clever title)-

How much food

For the time of day

Depends on the mood

Or how much I weigh

All of those feelings stewed

Forget it, I'm okay

Subtle changes in attitude

Fast and waste away

Battle scars tattooed

My life has turned so grey

Just for asking

How much food today?

I love you all <3 

By the way-my scale is wrong so I don't know how much I weigh, I just know its more than it should be.

I Don't Post Enough

It rained and stormed all day today.  That's it.  Pretty normal.  For some reason I lost a pound even though I ate horrible.  My weight fluctuates so much though, it's not even funny.  It seems like when I eat well I gain and when I eat bad for a day and resign myself from food for 18 hours I can lose like two pounds.  My body makes no sense.  My stomach feels huge but it could be bloating because of... well... you know, mother nature etc...  Anyway I shall follow back all of my followers and read some other blogs.  At least I constantly burn calories by moving around, its a nice easy way to subtract like 300 cal off your intake.  So are crunches I do alot of those because I hate my stomach even though they don't burn much.  I can't tell you my weight but I felt like I should write to you, since if you're reading this you must care.  I might post some more poetry, if I'm in a Shakespeare mood ya'know.

Stay strong and love yourself, because if you are anything like me it will never be enough. XOXOXO

-featherlight

P.S. Fridge pickers wear big knickers!  XD

Just Flaunting My Popularity XD

  So I was on blogger today, and learned from a few respectable google searches that I am at the top of the second page of google when you search pro ana tips and tricks 2012.  I don't really know if thats a good thing but... Yay??  Also despite me living in the US, most of my views come from England. Cool!  I've also noticed that my members have doubled!!! Thank you so much, even though this is like an online diary I like to believe that people like me are reading it and that they can relate to what I'm going through.  The only thing is, I would love to say so much more to you but this blog is my secret.  No one even thinks I'm suffering so much every time I am faced with a meal.  Even if they do, even if they ask why it looks like I've lost weight, why I don't have a period I have an alibi: and I can't even share that with you.  I can't help but worrying that somebody I know or love or both will discover this and put the pieces together... is it really worth it being able to rant online if it puts your life as you know it now in jeprody?  I don't even know anymore and now this blog title is irrelevant... grrrrr.  I love you all for listening/reading, stay strong an acomplish your goals, no matter what others think! 

P.S. I have to try this... See you in about nine years (you can't while you're yelling, anyway how many calories can a cup of coffee have?? JK XD )

Missing Scale *Spoiler Alert* But I Found It

The scale has disappeared from my home.  After remodeling the bathroom my parents must have figured it would just be better without it.  This may be a blessing in disguise though because I have to off feel alone and that helps me make better decisions.  But I figured out (after a week of investigation) that it is indeed working and present in the deepest darkest corner of my spider invested basement. Yay.... Anyway so I weigh 104 and I was 106 two days ago though... which brings my bmi to a 17.8. I've grown a bit but I seem to have reached a plateau-better than gaining weight I guess. My body seems to be changing a little weird though, even though I have a pouchy stomach my back seems very bony (vertebrae ribs etc...)  Needless to say it is very unsightly and I've been doing crunches and everything, but *sigh* no ballet for a few weeks until summer classes.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I miss this :)

Poetry Eases The Soul

'A vs. B'
An anorexic can only go forward,
Try, try, again,
Better, less,
Restrict.
A bulimic can only go backward,
Undo, undo,
Repeat, then punish.
The same mistake again.
Though both A and B,
Both end the same.
Empty stomach,
Empty head,
Empty heart.
But there is one thing that will be filled,
A coffin.

-featherlight

YAY!

Ok, well, we are redoing our house, so my mother thought it would be a good idea to hide the freaking scale from me.  Great.  So long story short for the last three weeks I have had no idea of what I weighed, causing me to go off of how I look, causing me to restrict even more.  But... (here comes the good news)  I went to the doctor and I weigh 102.2 pounds!!  I am only a pound more than I weighed last year at this time and I think I grew like an inch. And that brings my bmi to (drumroll please) 17.5

Today's intake

Usually I don't do daily intakes or calorie counts on my blog but today (so far) has been good enough that I'm not too ashamed to tell everybody.

1 coffee w/ cream+sugar 80 cal
2 peices white bread 134 cal
1 serving  salami  70 cal
1 tbs miracle whip 40 cal
1 coke zero 0 cal

=324

that would be okay.... for a day but I still have to have dinner with my family and I will probably crack and snack later so lets just add an even 800 so...

+800


=1124


Nevermind about that ok calorie count... still waaaay over but hopefully not enough to gain weight... at least my fast metabolism ensures that I am starving right now.  Going to go eat.... just kidding

Do I look sickly?

People have been treating me differently lately.  I don't know why exactly, I haven't gotten any thinner but for some reason my bones are showing, like my spine and holder blades in my back and my "biceps" look like a skeleton.  You can also see my ribs on my chest right under my collar bone making a V-neck T-shirt very flattering.  Just kidding.  But really, the other day at a memorial day barbecue with my family, there was a family friend there with her like, 2 yr old boy who really liked me, but she glared at me the whole time (shes a vegan and fat and everything).  I mean, I know she thought I had a disease but for God's sake your son can't catch it.  So to wrap up this post, I don't know if I want to be like this, where people give me looks of pity when they hug me.

Y.O.L.O.

Lanugo

Yep, the fuzzy white hair that grows all over your body that supposedly keeps you warm.  Yeah right.  Though I haven't been experiencing much extreme cold I am noticing little soft hairs populating areas like around my collar bone area, abdomen, and even thighs so much so that I'm shaving them for bikini season which I don't usually do.  Not that I'm anywhere near bikini body, I am getting closer even if its one bite not eaten at a time.  I'm not super skinny yet, but I really do think that ballet muscle accounts for more weight and therefore my BMI should be lower... whatever.

Stay strong, think before eating and thanks for reading!  xoxoxoxo

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Thats me. Awwww yeahuh!

Ok, so over the long memorial day weekend (yay!) I've decided to figure it ALL out.  Here's the low-down:

Body Fat Percentage: 15.4% (classified with athletes being the dancer that I am) If that's correct it means that right now I am carrying 16 pounds of fat.  Ewww...

BMI: only 18 since I'm 5'3.75 and 104lbs

Body Type: Strait/banana or hourglass depending on the site

I <3 all my followers (three at the moment!)  Thank U sooo much!!

Pro ana tips and tricks

Okay, so I know you might be a little scared right now.... as you and I both know. most "pro ana" tips out there are either stupidly obvious or just plain stupid.  Here are some tips that worked for me:

1. Chew gum. Every. *chomp* Single. *chomp* Moment.  (it curbs cravings wonderfully and even comes in dessert flavors.. yum)
2. 
3. Keep on moving!  Don't lie down cuz you're tired, do some jumping jacks or something!
4. After every bite of food, lay down utensils. wipe your face with a napkin, and take a drink of water.
5. When you're feeling hungry, do something you love (listening to music, drawing, dancing etc...) It helps in two ways because it distracts you from hunger and associates an empty stomach with good things.
6. Drink lots of water and tea without add ins.  I suggest celestial sleepy time vanilla because its good without even a drop of honey

Thanks everybody, stay strong and please follow or comment!  xoxoxooxo <3

Dizzy #2

Ugghhhh.... (thats not really a good way to begin a blog post now is it? ) I ate horribly today and I am still nearly fainting every time I get up.  I think I have reached this plateau, because I always stay from like 104-106 lbs... I have NEVER been 107. No matter how much I eat/don't eat or even grow an inch I never really sway above or below these boundaries.  Is anyone else having these problems.  I feel like I have been fasting all day, not because of hunger but fatigue and vertigo.  Its horrible.  I have a long performance and equally if not more strenuous dress rehersal this week and I don't know how well I will hold up.  I really feel like crap.  Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, and that this one is so depressing.  By the way, with these temperatures being so high and whatnot, a great summer delicacy is fudgesicles!  Weight watchers has a very low fat and relativity low calorie  one that tastes like the real thing.

Tood-a-lou!!  Thanx for following xoxoxoxoxo stay strong with me!!

Lost 2 Pounds Today, Plus a Chinese Buffet.

Hey I'm a poet and I don't even know it :D.  Yay!  I'm back down to 104 and I'm pretty sure that I grew like an inch (either that or everybody else around me is shrinking) so that brings my BMI to...17.3 Yippee!  Now, I know that isn't really that low, but you have to figure in the muscle weighs more than fat concept, because I really get cheated on the BMI thing because of that(artist depiction to the right -> ).  Anyways, to lose those two pounds I skip one meal (usually lunch but today it was dinner), replace it with a tiny snack (ex. 5 chips, 1/2 a cookie), and cut out any other snacks that aren't pure vegetables.   ALSO NEVER STOP MOVING!!  That's important because you need to keep burning calories!!Yep. Not that hard, but I also don't get hardly any results from it.  The thing is, is that the 'rents would notice if I skipped breakfast or dinner, so the only meal I can completely skip is lunch, at school, but i was thinking of cutting down breakfast to one piece of fruit, ex) apple and a bit of PB, because I did that a little while ago, lately I have been having one egg and one toast, so not that bad.  Thanks for listening to my random words haha and sorry I haven't written in a while, not that anybody reads it or anything but still, its good for me, maybe.

For more info on my little inaccurate BMI problem. check here:
http://www.examiner.com/article/calculating-adult-and-children-s-bmi

  P.S Here's a video I found and liked quite alot:
  Supersized Vs. Superskinny Part 1/5
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOx9uwBfKGc

F@#$ING SCALE

Im going to cry... I just weighed myself again..
104 freaking pounds 
17.84 bmi.... thats hardly even normal!!!

In forever

In forever have I blogged... I dont know why I'm sad, i have been doing so well.  Guess what the scale said this morning?  92 lbs!!!!! WTF!  I know i have been really cutting my intake latley but it cant be that low.  I think there is something wrong with the scale XD.  Whatever it was nice while it lasted, imagine if it were true... a bmi of 15.79.... oh the dreams

I NEED TO GET ANOTHER SCALE... THIS ONE CANT BE TRUSTED

Guess what?

Guess what?  Its my Birthday tomorrow!  Yay!  That and i got 5 whole pageviews today!  Thanks for reading my blog and please leave a comment or follow to let me know your listening!  Other than that I had a pretty crappy day though.  Don't you hate it when you lose at games that are solely based on luck?  I sure do, it makes me so mad because it is totally out of my control and I cant change it.  I can beat people in races by running faster,  I can beat people in fights by hitting harder (not that I ever do :D) and I can get skinnier by eating less but I can not, I CAN NOT IN ANY WAY CHANGE MY LUCK.  Its either good or bad and lately it has been bad.  Thanks for listening to me vent anyways guys, comment or follow on google... <3

How can fat bring so much sadness, when food brings so much joy?

Fat

Omogosh I am so fat right now.  I know that is probably the default wananrexic (anorexic wanna-be) line but still, its totally true.  I had a huge slice of banana cream pie today and my stomach is still recovering.  Legit.  At least its only another week until spring break, yay!  On an incredibly worse note though I am 104 lbs I think so i am not in a blogging mood.. sorry guys!

P.S. Thanks to my two followers :)  but there are alot more pageviews than that so please follow or at least comment so i know ur out there! Thanks

Dizzy

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in nearly a week, I have been really busy lately. Do you guys ever get all lightheaded and dizzy when you are dieting or fasting? That's like what I'm getting right now. Thats kind of good news I guess, plus a bunch of people are telling me how skinny I am (I don't think so but It makes me feel good still (: ). And I only weigh 102 pounds AND I just went out to eat. So all in all a good week because I feel like I am walking on air. Stay strong <3

Hey everyone! Hows it going?  The weather here is great, I really need to get a tan to make my fat pale legs look a little better. I'm 103 again, but that's really not bad with the amount of crap I have been eating.  I think I have reached my plateau, plus I weigh a bit more since I have so much muscle from ballet.  Nevertheless, I need to lose weight but latley I have been too lazy and emotional to. Like I was saying, I always fall apart late at night.  Sometimes I want to just like go to bed at 7:00 just so I don'
at have the chance to eat.  Think that would raise any eyebrows in my household?  Yeah right.

P.S. I am posting that legitimate banana ice cream recipe right after this :)

Sore Toes and Shamrock Shakes

Mmmm... shamrock shakes.  I love that time of year at McDonald's. Its really the best time of year. Apart from the 416 calories in a small that is.  Well my toes hurt.  I had to do two rigorous pointe classes this week so far. ouch.  I wore flip flops the other day to school and my friend was like "Dude what did u do, slam your foot in a door?"  (at the time i had most of my toes covered in band aids due to ugly blisters). Yeah it was pretty funny; kind of.  Talking about pointe shoes, what type do y'all have?  I have Chacott Veronese II, they are kind of orange but are holding up really well so far so I like them.

102lbs

Hey at least its not 103 or 104 again.  That would seriously suck, but with all the crap I have been eating lately i wouldn't be surprised.  At the moment i am going to go eat a oatmeal-scotchie. Can you believe that?  I have learned that i am very strong throughout the morning and afternoon, but once it gets to the evening I just fall apart.  Its my retarded habit of (dare i say it) yummy desserts and snacks.  Its like my stupid body just cant go to sleep on an empty stomach.  The rest of the day is a breeze, I love the lightheaded feeling of hunger. Its my high.  But at night I just cant because I am around my wonderful family who cooks me absolutely awesome food filled with love. Its enough guilt throwing out most of my specially prepared lunch each day at school. I can't bear to come home and turn down dinner too.  Anyway, they would notice, but i don't even know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.  My mom already said I looked thin and asked me if I am trying to lose weight.  I think it's nice somebody is noticing.  I don't really understand though because I look as fat as ever.

Soup (and random rambling)

Mmmm... baked potato soup

Wow those previous pictures sure messed up the layout of my site.  This one didn't though.... good. Haha. Sorry they are really blurry, i took them with my crappy cell phone.  I didn't go to school today, everyone is sick this time of year. oh well. I'm probably going to eat some progresso soup (baked potato with bacon 360 calories per whole can).  Sounds yummy. I have been drinking a lot of juice lately, like for breakfast since i cant have coffee. I am really liking cran-grape at the moment, its like the morning energy burst i need to get out of bed :)  Sorry this post was so boring, but nothing is really going on.  I am still leading in ballet, so i better feel better by tomorrow so it stays that way.

A sharpie is better than a knife... Trust me.

Missed the Leap Year

Hey there everyone! 102... same as this morning though, so thats not bad... I guess. Did anyone do anything useful with their leap year? I think I did the opposite haha...
(Donut holes are my weakness)
but it's ok cuz I managed to get down to 102 all day today anyway! I tried to make this awesome banana ice cream but I put it in a glass dish in the freezer like an idiot and it exploded XD
great. Just great. It's probably just fate's way of telling me i'm too fat. As if the mirror doesn't tell me that enough.

I'll post a legit banana ice cream recipe later...

Bye bye... Stay sane everybody!

An Introduction

Hey guys! This is kind of an Ana blog but I really don't know yet. At the moment this is just a place for me to anonymously vent how I feel and hey, maybe you guys might even feel the same way! I hope you can all relate to the ups and downs of my crazy life and maybe find some comfort that somebody else feels the same way you do. I am kinda Ana. My height is about 5' 3.5" and as of now (fat freaking Tuesday) my weight is 103 lbs. that puts my bmi at just under 18. So happy punchki day! And a wonderfully day of fasting tommorow (yeah right)!