uggghhhhhh

I want to be double digits.  So bad. I want to be "under a hundred pounds".  I am 106 right now, that's great since I was 109 on Wednesday... I think- or Tuesday.  Anyway I could be 102 since my scale is really messed up... We moved it from one room to another and everybody automatically gained 4 pounds.  Don't worry, I know for a fact I'm not 110, hopefully that will make for a pleasant surprise when I step on an accurate scale :)
            I think my forte' on blogger is poetry.  I don't see much of that so expect to see more in the future.  I think it is more enjoyable to readers than to listen to me ramble- not that I don't enjoy other blogs, it's just I'm not too great at writing about my life like they are.  So that's about it.  Oh, also if you would like some nice music "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple is a good pick.  Give it a listen, I think that if you're reading this you'll like it,  Stay strong everyone. <3 XOXOXOXO 


"Mirror"
Tiny crack
Avert your eyes
Find out ways to shrink your thighs
Pitch the fries
Get payback
Try not to have a panic attack

-featherlight

In Honor of Nothing to Say... More Poetry

-(insert clever title)-

How much food

For the time of day

Depends on the mood

Or how much I weigh

All of those feelings stewed

Forget it, I'm okay

Subtle changes in attitude

Fast and waste away

Battle scars tattooed

My life has turned so grey

Just for asking

How much food today?

I love you all <3 

By the way-my scale is wrong so I don't know how much I weigh, I just know its more than it should be.

I Don't Post Enough

It rained and stormed all day today.  That's it.  Pretty normal.  For some reason I lost a pound even though I ate horrible.  My weight fluctuates so much though, it's not even funny.  It seems like when I eat well I gain and when I eat bad for a day and resign myself from food for 18 hours I can lose like two pounds.  My body makes no sense.  My stomach feels huge but it could be bloating because of... well... you know, mother nature etc...  Anyway I shall follow back all of my followers and read some other blogs.  At least I constantly burn calories by moving around, its a nice easy way to subtract like 300 cal off your intake.  So are crunches I do alot of those because I hate my stomach even though they don't burn much.  I can't tell you my weight but I felt like I should write to you, since if you're reading this you must care.  I might post some more poetry, if I'm in a Shakespeare mood ya'know.

Stay strong and love yourself, because if you are anything like me it will never be enough. XOXOXO

-featherlight

P.S. Fridge pickers wear big knickers!  XD

Just Flaunting My Popularity XD

  So I was on blogger today, and learned from a few respectable google searches that I am at the top of the second page of google when you search pro ana tips and tricks 2012.  I don't really know if thats a good thing but... Yay??  Also despite me living in the US, most of my views come from England. Cool!  I've also noticed that my members have doubled!!! Thank you so much, even though this is like an online diary I like to believe that people like me are reading it and that they can relate to what I'm going through.  The only thing is, I would love to say so much more to you but this blog is my secret.  No one even thinks I'm suffering so much every time I am faced with a meal.  Even if they do, even if they ask why it looks like I've lost weight, why I don't have a period I have an alibi: and I can't even share that with you.  I can't help but worrying that somebody I know or love or both will discover this and put the pieces together... is it really worth it being able to rant online if it puts your life as you know it now in jeprody?  I don't even know anymore and now this blog title is irrelevant... grrrrr.  I love you all for listening/reading, stay strong an acomplish your goals, no matter what others think! 

P.S. I have to try this... See you in about nine years (you can't while you're yelling, anyway how many calories can a cup of coffee have?? JK XD )

Missing Scale *Spoiler Alert* But I Found It

The scale has disappeared from my home.  After remodeling the bathroom my parents must have figured it would just be better without it.  This may be a blessing in disguise though because I have to off feel alone and that helps me make better decisions.  But I figured out (after a week of investigation) that it is indeed working and present in the deepest darkest corner of my spider invested basement. Yay.... Anyway so I weigh 104 and I was 106 two days ago though... which brings my bmi to a 17.8. I've grown a bit but I seem to have reached a plateau-better than gaining weight I guess. My body seems to be changing a little weird though, even though I have a pouchy stomach my back seems very bony (vertebrae ribs etc...)  Needless to say it is very unsightly and I've been doing crunches and everything, but *sigh* no ballet for a few weeks until summer classes.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I miss this :)

Poetry Eases The Soul

'A vs. B'
An anorexic can only go forward,
Try, try, again,
Better, less,
Restrict.
A bulimic can only go backward,
Undo, undo,
Repeat, then punish.
The same mistake again.
Though both A and B,
Both end the same.
Empty stomach,
Empty head,
Empty heart.
But there is one thing that will be filled,
A coffin.

-featherlight

YAY!

Ok, well, we are redoing our house, so my mother thought it would be a good idea to hide the freaking scale from me.  Great.  So long story short for the last three weeks I have had no idea of what I weighed, causing me to go off of how I look, causing me to restrict even more.  But... (here comes the good news)  I went to the doctor and I weigh 102.2 pounds!!  I am only a pound more than I weighed last year at this time and I think I grew like an inch. And that brings my bmi to (drumroll please) 17.5